Ichigo's Class on how to act in the living world
by DragonAlter
Summary: Ichigo is asked by the Soul Society to teach a class to the different squad members on how to act like a human in the living world, like on how to dress, how to act around other humans, how to get items, how to put the straw in your juice box, important s
1. Lesson 1: Opening a Juicebox

Ichigo's Class 'How to act in the living world'

Lesson 1: How to open a juice box

Summary: Ichigo is asked by the Soul Society to teach a class to the different squad members on how to act like a human in the living world, like on how to dress, how to act around other humans, how to get items, how to put the straw in your juice box, important stuff like that.

It was a normal day in the Soul Society city of Seireitei, but instead of having the normal sight of Soul reapers, Lieutenants, and Captains walking around the Seireitei, they were all gathered in a classroom that was inside the Soul Reaper academy, confused as to the reason they were there in the first place. Byakuya was even present there, along with Rukia, who had been down on earth with Ichigo and suddenly requested by the Soul Society to return to the Academy for the next few days, then she could return to earth, but none of them were prepared for what happened next, as the door opened and the teacher walked into the room.

"Good morning, everyone" The teacher said, "for those of you who don't know me, my name is Ichigo Kurosaki and I'll be teaching you toda-"

"Is this some kind of joke?" Renji blurted out, "What the hell could you teach us?"

"More than you know, and don't act like I came here on my own choice" Ichigo said, "If I had my way, I'd be still asleep back home"

"then what are you doing here, Ichigo?" Hitsugaya asked

"well, The soul society contacted me a while back with a message, apparently none of you know how to act like a normal living person back in the human world, so they asked me to teach you all how to act like one" Ichigo said, "If there are anymore objections, please hold them back as I don't really care what you have to say, so let's just get this over with by starting with Lesson 1, Ganju, hand out the objects"

Ganju walks down the room with a pissed off look on his face, handing out the objects, which caused some of the shinigami to look at Ichigo with confusion, others with annoyance, while Rukia had a dreadful look on her face, as he looked at the object, which was a juice box.

"Alright everyone, this is the first lesson, opening a juice box" Ichigo said

"How the hell does this have to do with acting in the living world?" Renji asked

"Good question, if you go up to someone that is alive and tell them that you can't open your juice box" Ichigo said, "Chances are that they'll think you're a damn fool and if you ask too many times, will commit you to an insane asylum"

"Come on, you've got to be kidding me" Renji said, "Anyone could open one of these up"

"Okay then, let's get a volunteer to show us" Ichigo said, "How about Rukia?"

Rukia glared daggers at Ichigo, as she pulled the straw off of the juice box and began to get it ready to put in it, then as she closed her eyes and rose the straw up, she began to lower it down and with her eyes closed, felt it go through something and stop, as she opened her eyes and saw the straw in the juice box

"I did it!!" Rukia said, "I mean, That was too easy, Ichigo"

"Now everyone, if Rukia had been paying attention" Ichigo said, "She would've noticed that she put the straw into the wrong juice box"

Rukia turned her head to see the straw was in Renji's juice box, as he pulled it up and began to drink from it, so Rukia suddenly whipped the juice box at Ichigo, who caught it and set it down onto the table in front of him, before throwing Rukia another juice box.

"Everyone, if you were watching her demonstration, you should have seen that even though she put the straw in the wrong juice box, she put it in by pushing the straw against the silver covering on the juice box" Ichigo said, "Once everyone has put the straw into the juice box, then we'll begin with the second lesson"

The soul reapers that were sitting there in the classroom thought that this was pointless, but the sooner they got it done, the sooner they could leave and began to put the straws in the juice boxes, but they soon realized that they had the same problem that Rukia had a while back, that even some of the captains of the thirteen squads and their lieutenants couldn't open a juice box. Some of them got it done in a few seconds, while others took a few minutes or even half an hour to do so.

'_Damn this juice box_' Hitsugaya thought, annoyed before finally getting the straw in the juice box, '_finally_'

The only one left that hadn't put their straw in was Byakuya, who was still pushing the straw down on the silver covering of the juice box and it wasn't going through, as everyone sweatdropped at this, before Byakuya suddenly set the juice box down onto the table and pulled out his Zanpakuto.

"Scatter" Byakuya said, "Senbonzakura"

Byakuya's Zanpakuto broke apart into the cherry blossoms and surrounded the juice box, before shreading it into little pieces and causing everyone to just stare at Byakuya, sweatdropping, until Ichigo came back to his senses and shakes his head.

"I guess we should move on to the next lesson" Ichigo said, rubbing the back of his forehead


	2. Lesson 2: How to earn money

Ichigo's Class 'How to act in the living world'

Lesson 2: How to earn money

Summary: Ichigo is asked by the Soul Society to teach a class to the different squad members on how to act like a human in the living world, like on how to dress, how to act around other humans, how to get items, how to put the straw in your juice box, important stuff like that.

"Okay, now that we're done with that lesson, let's move on to Lesson 2" Ichigo said, "Money"

"We all know what money is, you idiot!" Rukia blurted out, "Why are you just wasting time with these stupid lessons"

"Listen, you may end up having to get a job to pay for stuff down there" Ichigo said, "Like for food, clothing, a place to stay, bills, stuff like that"

"What are these 'bills'?" Renji asked

"well...how can I explain this...well in the living world, you have to pay companies to give you certain things" Ichigo said, "These things are mainly Water, Electricity, Heat for during the winter, Rent for if you're living in an apartment, and so on"

"I see, and these 'jobs' that you speak of" Shunsui Kyoraku said, "What kinds are there?"

"Good question, well, to explain clearly, there are several types of jobs to have in the human world, it just depends on your skills" Ichigo said, "Hanataro, for example, could be a janitor for his cleaning duties here or for his abilities to heal wounds, he could find a job somewhere in the medical field"

"I've worked at a job back in the human world" Rangiku Hatsumoto said, "It wasn't a permenant one, but I got $50 for doing it"

"That's a freelance job, but that's a good example" Ichigo said, "Come up here and show us what you did"

Rangiku nodded and walked up there to the front of the class and stood there for a few seconds, waiting to make sure that everyone was paying attention and she suddenly ripped open the top of her shishihakusho and showed everyone her breasts, which made Ichigo suddenly freak out. Renji was sent back into the wall of the classroom due to a bloody nose from the scene, along with Ganju, Kira and Lieutenant Marechiyo Omaeda, but he wasn't sent back by a bloody nose, but instead by his captain, Soifon, who growled angrily at his actions.

"M-MATSUMOTO!!! FOR GODS SAKE, PUT YOUR TOP BACK ON!!!" Hitsugaya said, angered at what she just did

Matsumoto nodded and after a sudden flash of light, she began to put her shirt back on and Ichigo turned to see where the flash came from and saw Byakuya begin to slip something back into his Captain uniform, as Matsumoto sat down back in her area.

'_W-was that a camera phone that Byakuya had?_' Ichigo thought

"Was that good enough?" Matsumoto asked, "Need me to do it again?"

"I'd like to see you do it again" Shunsui Kyoraku said, earning himself a hit from his Lieutenant, Nanao Ise and causing everyone to sweatdrop

"Well, if everyone's agreed that we've had enough of that" Ichigo said, "Let's move on to lesson three"


	3. Lesson 3: CENSORED

Ichigo's Class 'How to act in the living world'

Lesson 3: **censored for suspense** Pt 1

Summary: Ichigo is asked by the Soul Society to teach a class to the different squad members on how to act like a human in the living world, like on how to dress, how to act around other humans, how to get items, how to put the straw in your juice box, important stuff like that.

"Alright, let's see what the next lesson is" Ichigo said, pulling up a piece of paper

"What the hell is that?" Renji asked

"A paper on what they want me to teach you" Ichigo said, "Next is...Forget that one, what's after that?"

"Wait a minute, you're supposed to teach us all of these on the paper" Ruka shouted, "You can't just skip one because you don't like the topic"

"Trust me, you guys wouldn't want me teaching this one to you, anyways" Ichigo said, "besides, it's too awkward to teach you this subject"

"Ichigo, did the Soul Society ask you to teach this class?" Urahara said, standing up from in the middle of the class

"Mr. Hat 'n clogs?" Ichigo asked, "What are you doing here?"

"...I don't know" Urahara said, making Ichigo face-fall, "but did they ask you to teach them that?"

"Yes, but-" Ichigo said

"No buts!" Urahara said, getting up and walking towards the front "Teach them the lesson!"

"Come take a look at this paper" Ichigo said, as Urahara took the paper, "It's the third one"

"It can't be that ba-" Urahara said, reading the third lesson, "...You're kidding, right?"

"Nope" Ichigo said

"They want you to teach that to a group of mature soul reapers?" Urahara said, "That's just a complete waste of time"

"I agree" Ichigo said, "but should I teach it?"

"Are you out of your mind?" Urahara said, "You were just freaking out about it"

"I know, but if I have to teach it, I might as well get it over with" Ichigo said

"Will you just hurry up with this lesson, so we can go home?" Renji shouted

"I'm not really sure if I want to do this" Ichigo said

"for the love of god, why is this lesson so hard to teach?" Renji asked

"It's because you should already know about it" Ichigo said, "Only a complete moron would be as old as some of you are and haven't done this yet"

"So? You already taught us how to open a juice box and how to earn money?" Renji said, "If people can't do that either, then their complete morons as well"

"...do you all want me to teach you this?" Ichigo asked

"YES!" Everyone shouted

"Very well" Ichigo said, writing three letters on the board, "This lesson is about sex"

Everyone fell onto their face


	4. Lesson 4: Sex and Bankai

Ichigo's Class 'How to act in the living world'

Lesson 4: Sex and Bankai pt.2

Summary: Ichigo is asked by the Soul Society to teach a class to the different squad members on how to act like a human in the living world, like on how to dress, how to act around other humans, how to get items, how to put the straw in your juice box, important stuff like that.

Everyone had finally been able to get up off the floor and get back into their chairs and now Ichigo was having to teach a subject matter to them that was going to be extremely awkward and embarassing to him, but even more embarassing to everyone else in here to have to be taught about sex, from ICHIGO KUROSAKI to make it worse.

"This is going to be bad..." Ichigo said, "I just know it"

"I got a video, if that'll make it easier" Urahara said, "but it's back at my shop"

"Why do you have a sex-ed video?" Ichigo asked, but changed his mind, not wanting to know, "Forget it, how long will you be?"

"about 15 to 20 minutes" Urahara said, "I'll go get it"

Ichigo watched as Urahara walked out of the room and closed the door, before turning around, "before we begin, there's something I want to know" Ichigo said

"What?" Hitsugaya asked

"Do you guys?" Ichigo asked

"Do we what?" Renji asked

"Do you guys have sex?" Ichigo asked, "Soul reapers, Do soul reapers even have sex?"

"What the hell kind of question is that, we may not be living" Renji said, "It doesn't mean that we get those urges"

"Except for Captain Hitsugaya" Matsumoto said, "He gets so cold, it's probably impossible for him to even get a hard o-"

"MATSUMOTO!!!" Hitsugaya shouted, angry and blushing like mad

"Have you had sex, Ichigo?" Renji asked

"well...yeah" Ichigo said

"are you lying?" Matsumoto teased

"OF COURSE NOT!!!" Ichigo shouted

"Kurosaki" Byakuya said

"What?" Ichigo asked

"What are those two items on the table that Urahara left?" Byakuya asked

Ichigo looked at the items and swore that he was going to kill Urahara for leaving these items here, "These are two different types of protection used during sex" Ichigo said, "Birth Control and condoms"

"Birth Control?" Rukia asked

"Birth Control is a pill that women take, it's prevents pregnancy" Ichigo said, "I don't know how, so don't ask"

"well, what are condoms?" Shunsui asked

"My god... you guys don't have any of these here?" Ichigo asked

"No" Byakuya said

"Condoms are a plastic wrapping guys put around their...hard on and it prevents you from getting the girl pregnant" Ichigo said

"I got the video" Urahara said, walking into the room, "Ichigo, put in the vcr"

"What VCR?" Ichigo asked

"The one behind you" Urahara said, "I pushed it in here earlier"

"Oh" Ichigo said, "Okay, let's play it"

_**Video**_

_"Okay, this is Kisuke Urahara and I'm taping this video to assist with Ichigo's teaching, this is on the subject of sex" Urahara said on the video, crouching on the roof of a familiar house, "We're going to show you footage of someone having sex"_

_"mmmmm..." a familiar feminine voice moaned "Oh god!!"_

_"The two subjects are familiar with everyone that is there" Urahara said, lifting up the camera, "The two are Ichigo Kurosaki and Rukia Kuchiki"_

_**15 minutes later**_

The video ended and everyone there was standing there with their eyes bulged out and still staring at the screen that they had just seen, but the two that had their eyes buldged out the most and freaked out the most were Ichigo and Rukia and the two were waiting for the upcoming comments from everyone, but Ichigo was more worried with the smell of death that was now reeking from Byakuya.

"Ichigo...I never knew you could be so gentle..." Matsumoto said

"$5 for copies of this video" Urahara said

"I'll take one" Hitsugaya said, shocking everyone

"Oh no, my captain's a pervert" Matsumoto said

"And you're a whore" Hitsugaya said, earning him a punch to the head from Matsumoto

"Kurosaki..." Byakuya growled

"eh...heh heh...class is over!!" Ichigo said, running out of the room, but being intercepted by Byakuya

"You deflowered my sister..." Byakuya said, drawing out his sword and turning it to face the blade down, "now you must pay...Bankai!"

Everyone within the Seireitei heard the screams of Ichigo Kurosaki echo throughout the area that followed the torture and punishment dealt of him by Byakuya Kuchiki


	5. Lesson 5: How not to use your Zanpakuto

Ichigo's Class 'How to act in the living world'

Lesson 5: What **NOT** to do with your Zanpakuto

Summary: Ichigo is asked by the Soul Society to teach a class to the different squad members on how to act like a human in the living world, like on how to dress, how to act around other humans, how to get items, how to put the straw in your juice box, important stuff like that.

Ichigo stepped into the classroom and stood there in front of everybody, as everyone was shocked and surprised that he wasn't dead or in the hospital because of yesterday's incident with Byakuya and the sex tape of him and Rukia, but he was still in one piece and looking like he hadn't even been scratched.

"Okay, people, let's get on to the next lesson" Ichigo said, "This one was just given to me today"

"A new waste of time?" Renji asked

"Yep" Ichigo said, "Let's just get this over with"

"What is this lesson?" Shunsui asked

"How not to use your Zanpakuto in the living world?" Ichigo said, reading the paper, "This one will be good.."

"What the hell?" Rukia said, "They're now trying to tell us how to use our own Zanpakuto?"

"No, they're just telling you not to use it the wrong way" Ichigo said, "besides, I've seen alot of you use them some bad ways"

"How so?" Byakuya asked

"Rukia, you've used your sword countless times to wail me or someone else who annoys you on the head" Ichigo said, "We're lucky you do it sheathed or else alot of us would be needing alot of medical attention"

"That's not so bad..." Renji said

"You, Renji, used Zabimaru badly a few times as well" Ichigo said, "Like when this one guy in a car cut you off and you used it to cut through his car and sawed his engine in half"

"That bastard deserved it..." Renji grumbled, "What about Ikkaku?"

"I didn't draw my sword on that Keigo kid" Ikkaku said, yawning, "I just smacked him with it sheathed"

"Yeah, and also sent him out a third story window" Ichigo said, "then, there's the iceman over there, Captain Hitsugaya"

'_Iceman?..._' Hitsugaya thought, before realizing it and coming back, "Hey!! What did I do wrong with my Zanpakuto?"

"You chased those guys down with your _Shikai_ because they accidentally called you short" Ichigo said, "While freezing the street and causing several accidents and a city-wide power outtage, you were the first one that actually caused city-wide damage"

"I hate being called short..." Hitsugaya said, grumbling

"Don't worry, you aren't the worse one" Ichigo said, "That one goes to Captain Kenpachi Zaracki"

"Yep" Kempachi Zaracki said, grinning, "You want to tell them what I did?"

"You chased down a kid for calling you weak and kicking you in the shin" Ichigo said

"That's it?" Renji asked, "That's not that bad"

"Do you guy's want to hear the damage report?" Ichigo asked

"Damage report?" Shunsui asked

"In the process of chasing this kid down, The following things were damaged or destroyed by Captain Kempachi Zaracki" Ichigo said, reading a piece of paper, "4 Department buildings, 2 3 story buildings, 1 5 or more story building, 3 school buses, the school itself, over 300 cars, 12 houses, a boat, 15 miles of paved road, 2 bridges, and the kid's own house"

Everyone looked completely shocked after Ichigo finished reading the paper, except for Ichigo, Kempachi, and Yachiru Kusajisha whom already knew about the incident, with Yachiru being on Kempachi's shoulder during the incident and Ichigo having to restrain Kempachi, before he attacked the kid.

"...Just where did this happen?" Rukia asked, "I know it didn't happen in the seireitei or in Karakura town"

"It happened in Tokyo" Ichigo said, "I went there once I heard about it to restrain him"

"Kenny would've beaten that kid if he hadn't been held back by Ichi" Yachiru said

"hmph" Byakuya said, "I could do better"

"is that a challenge?" Kempachi asked

"Take it as you want" Byakuya said

"Name the town" Kempachi said

"Karakura town" Byakuya said

"You're on" Kempachi said, as the two suddenly ran out of the room, leaving everyone here confused at what just happened

"Was I dreaming?" Rukia asked, "or did my brother just accept a challenge by Kempachi Zaracki to see who could destroy the most of Karakura town?"

"fuck" Ichigo said, "looks like I'm going to have to find somewhere else to stay tonight"


	6. Lesson 6: Fashion

Ichigo's Class 'How to act in the living world'

Lesson 6: Fashion

Summary: Ichigo is asked by the Soul Society to teach a class to the different squad members on how to act like a human in the living world, like on how to dress, how to act around other humans, how to get items, how to put the straw in your juice box, important stuff like that.

" ...and the entire eastern side of Karakura town is off limits until the repairs are complete" Ichigo said, reading the slip of paper, "Now, let's get on with the next lesson, Fashion"

"Fashion?" Rukia asked, "You mean, like styles of clothes"

"Yes, it's very important that you learn how to blend in with people in the living world" Ichigo said, "Especially if you're going to be staying there for some time"

"How are you going to teach us about this?" Renji asked, "I've seen how you dress and you're no Fashion expert"

"That's true, but I have someone that is good with designing clothes" Ichigo said, "Come in, Uryu"

"The Quincy?" Renji asked, "He's going to teach us about fashion?"

"Trust me, I'd rather be doing something else besides teaching a bunch of Soul Reapers about fashion" Uryu said, "but since Ichigo asked me to do it and knows about my skill in designing clothes, I decided to show all of you my true designs"

"True designs?" Rukia asked

"Allow me" Urahara said, appearing out of nowhere again, "I'll open it up"

"GAH!! You need to stop appearing out of nowhere, Urahara" Ichigo said, "and what the hell do you mean by 'Open it up'?"

"I'll show you" Urahara said, drawing out his Zanpakuto and slicing the front wall of the classroom in straight down the middle, which caused the walls to open up and a fashion stage and runway came moving out of the wall and down the classroom, pushing desks and knocking a few Soul Reapers down.

"Where the hell did this come from?" Ichigo asked, "The Soul Society had a room that used to be a fashion runway?"

"No, Urahara had it" Uryu said, as he climbed on stage, "He's lending it to me"

"You had a spare fashion runway and stage?" Ichigo asked

"Yeah, it was taking up too much room" Urahara said, "Did the models get here?"

"Yeah, they're all backstage, but we'll need a few others to help out" Uryu said, "Ichigo, mind if I borrow a few of your students?"

"You already tore down a wall and probably wrecked this classroom" Ichigo said, "Go ahead"

Uryu nodded and had Soifon, Momo Hinamori, Nanao, and Matsumoto come backstage to help out with the fashion show, while the others helped to straighten out the desks and chairs to fit around the stage, so they could watch the fashion show, except for Byakuya, who had mysteriously vanished after the stage incident.

"Anyone seen my brother?" Rukia asked

"Nope" Ichigo said, "He should be back soon, just sit down and watch the show"

"Can I have everyone's attention?" Uryu said, using a microphone, "Welcome one and all to Uryu Ishida's first ever Soul Society Fashion show! We will be showing you some of the latest and greatest fashions that I, Uryu Ishida, have personally designed and created for your viewing eyes, and after the show, you may pick up an ordering form to order anything that you see in this show today"

"Just get on with it" Ichigo said

The fashion show began and just like every day in Ichigo's class, something tends to go badly wrong, Matsumoto came out wearing a bikini, but because of her big breasts, the cloth wasn't able to hold onto it and ripped as she was walking down the runway, allowing everyone to see her breasts and sent a few guys crashing into the back of the room, due to bloody noses and one annoyed Rukia. Soifon completely refused to pose in the lingerie that Uryu asked her to pose in, stating that it was too shameful, but in secret, not wanting to do it unless Yoruichi was there. Momo came out dressed in a long formal dress, but due to a nail sticking up from the stage, it tore the dress off of her and showed everyone her underwear that had Captain Hitsugaya's face on them, which creeped out Ichigo and a few others, but Hitsugaya was more concerned with covering her up and jumped onto the stage to cover her up, but when landing, slipped on a piece of the dress and fell off the stage and onto Renji, whom happened to be sitting near the area that Hitsugaya fell off from. Nanao came walking out in a chinese dress and clothing and everything began to seem like it had calmed down, until Nanao suddenly jumped off the stage and dropped kicked her Captain, claiming that he was making googly eyes at her. After all of that commotion, the Fashion show began to go off without anymore trouble, until Uryu came walking down the stage and up to Ichigo, whispering something to him, then Ichigo motioned towards Renji and Hitsugaya to come over to him.

"What's going on?" Renji asked

"We're needed backstage" Ichigo said, "Byakuya's back there"

"Why's he backstage?" Hitsugaya asked

"Dunno" Ichigo said, "Let's find out"

Ichigo, Hitsugaya, and Renji climbed up onto the stage and walked towards the back of the stage and began to look for Byakuya, but when they found him, they couldn't believe what they were seeing, Byakuya was flirting with one of the girls back there and it was apparently succeeding

"Come on, baby" Byakuya said, "Why don't you give me those digits?"

"well, alright" the girl said, handing him a slip of paper, "Call me sometime"

"This is a side of Captain Kuchiki that I've never seen before" Renji said, shocked, "Wish he'd teach me some of those lines"

Byakuya stood there and waited for the girl to leave, then he went over to another girl and began to do the same to her as well, as Ichigo and the others walked back to the classroom and then got off the stage, where a patient Rukia was standing there, waiting for them to get back.

"Uryu told me that my brother was backstage" Rukia said, "Did you find him?"

"Yeah, we found him" Ichigo said

"What was he doing" Rukia asked

"He's getting alot more action than we are, that's for sure" Renji grumbled

"What?" Rukia asked

"He said that your brother was helping out back stage" Ichigo said, making sure that she didn't ask to hear what Renji said again

"Oh, okay" Rukia said, before looking up, "Brother, there you are"

"Yes, I was busy helping backstage, like Ichigo and the others said" Byakuya said, "Before you go back to the living world, can you stop by the manor and inform them that I won't be making it home tonight?"

"Sure" Rukia said, "Why won't you be making it home?"

"I have important business to take care of in the living world, private Soul Society matters" Byakuya said, as he turned to leave, "Captain Hitsugaya, Renji, and Kurosaki, I'd like to speak with the three of you after this class is over"

Ichigo grumbled and nodded, worried that it will be like last time, when Byakuya sent his Bankai on him for sleeping with Rukia, but Ichigo, Renji, and Hitsugaya stayed in the classroom and waited for Byakuya to show up, which he did and shut the door, before sitting down in a desk in front of them.

"Teach me what you know about dating" Byakuya said

The thee of them fell face first onto the floor


	7. Lesson 7: Dating

Ichigo's Class on How to act in the living world

Lesson 7: Dating

Summary: Ichigo is asked by the Soul Society to teach a class to the different squad members on how to act like a human in the living world, like on how to dress, how to act around other humans, how to get items, how to put the straw in your juice box, important stuff like that.

Ichigo groaned as he stood in the classroom with Renji and Hitsugaya, waiting for Byakuya to show up for his private lesson on how to date someone in the living world, he had expected to have to deal with alot of bad things with teaching, but he never expected that he would be giving dating advice to Byakuya Kuchiki. Byakuya entered the classroom, carrying a few books in his hands and set them in front of Ichigo, before sitting down in a desk and waited for the lesson to begin.

"what's with the books?" Ichigo asked

"Dating books I own" Byakuya said

" 'Dating for the Serene and Apathetic', 'I am deeply conflicted, will you go out with me?' " Renji said, looking over the books, " 'I'm Short, but Proud'? Why do you have this book"

"It's for me" Hitsugaya said, as he grumbled and grabbed the book, "Say anything and you'll die"

"well, when is this date of yours supposed to be?" Ichigo asked

"tonight" Byakuya said

" 'Step one: When you spot your prospective target, when she notices you, make it seem like you are depressed' " Renji said, reading through the deeply conflicted book, " 'when she approaches the you and askes what's wrong, make up some story about losing the love of your life or something along that line' "

"Byakuya, do you have plans on where you want to take her on your date?" Hitsugaya asked

"Morichino's, that Italian restaurant in Karakura town" Byakuya said

"Morichino's is a good restaurant" Ichigo said, "only one problem"

"What?" Byakuya asked

"It's on the eastern side of town" Ichigo said, "The side that you and Zaracki destroyed?"

"It wasn't destroyed, we had lunch there afterwards" Byakuya said, "They have an excellent Baked Rigatoni and Meatballs"

"Well, what exactly do you want to know?" Ichigo asked, "You should know all the basics, pay for dinner, pull out her chair, engage in decent conversation, all that stuff"

"How do I get her on a first date?" Byakuya asked, causing Ichigo and the others to face-fall to the ground

"That's simple, purchase the most expensive wine on their wine list" A voice said, as everyone looked to see Kempachi Zaracki standing at the door, "Get her drunker than a sailor on shore leave and make her feel like a princess, do that and she'll let you in her royal bedroom"

"That's all I needed to know" Byakuya said, as he stood up and left the classroom

_**Marichino's, That Night**_

Ichigo had finally thought that the night was over and he could go home and go to sleep, but instead, he was sitting in a booth with Renji and Hitsugaya, with a microphone in hand and a speaker with Byakuya. They were now having to help Byakuya out with the conversation part of the date, making sure that Byakuya made it through the date and hopefully into her house tonight. Byakuya's date showed up about fifteen minutes later and everyone noticed the very revealing dress that she was wearing that showed off her enormous breasts that were 3/4ths the size of Matsumoto's breasts.

"Nice tits" Renji said

"Nice tits" Byakuya said, hearing Renji through the speaker

"What!!" The girl said, surprised, "...Thanks, I like them as well, I enjoy playing with them"

"....whoa" Renji whispered, "she didn't get pissed off"

The date began off without a hitch, Byakuya pulled out her chair and helped her sit down, he ordered their food and the most expensive bottle of wine on the menu and the two talked about the weather and the current events.

"It was interesting meeting you at that fasion show here in Karakura town" The girl said, as she drank her 4th glass of wine, "Tell me about yourself"

"Okay, now repeat after me" Ichigo said, "You're an entrepreneur and own a few clothing stores"

"okay, now repeat after me" Byakuya said, "You're an entrepreneur and own a few clothing stores"

"What?" The girl said, a bit drunk, "I don't own any clothing stores"

"I-I mean that I'm an entrepreneur, I own a few clothing stores around Tokyo and Kyoto" Byakuya said, "I was there to look at Uryu's designs and possibly order some clothing for my stores"

"Okay, now tell her about losing the love of your life" Renji said, "Make her believe you"

"I just recently broke up with the love of my life, I caught her cheating on me with my partner" Byakuya said, getting a bit depressed, "It may seem a bit soon to start dating once more, but I just want to get my mind off her and this is really helping."

"Oh...you poor thing" The girl said, "I can help you forget her real easily"

"Damn..." Hitsugaya said, "She's easier than opening an unlocked door"

"Damn" Byakuya said, "You're easier than opening an unlocked door"

"Yep" The girl said, "You ready to eat or do you want to skip dinner and go straight to dessert"

"Check, please" Byakuya said

Byakuya recieved the check and then whispered something into the waiters' ear, whom nodded and then he and the girl got up and began to leave, allowing Ichigo and the others to get ready to leave as well, but Ichigo was stopped by the waiter and handed the check.

"your friend said that you'd be paying for him tonight" the waiter said, "It'll be $187.45"

"I'm not paying his check!" Ichigo said, as he tried to leave, "He was the one that ordered, he should pay for his own damn meal"

"Pay the bill, Ichigo!!" Renji said, tired

Ichigo grumbled as he was forced to pay for Byakuya's dinner, he then left the restaurant and began to head home to go to bed, tired and broke from tonight's events, but also waiting for tomorrow to get his money back from Byakuya

_**Tomorrow Morning, Soul Society Classroom**_

Ichigo stood in the classroom and waited for Byakuya to show up and he did, alot earlier than usual, to which Ichigo walked over towards him and stood in front of Byakuya and waited for him to speak.

"Yes, Kurosaki?" Byakuya asked

"You owe me $188 for paying your bill last night" Ichigo said

"Is that so?" Byakuya asked, "Do I really owe you or do you just want to call it even?"

"even? for what?" Ichigo asked

"Sleeping with my sister?" Byakuya asked

"....fine, we're even" Ichigo said


	8. Special: Matsumoto's 'How to' class

Ichigo's Class on How to act in the living world

Chapter 8: Matsumoto's 'How to confess your feelings' class?

Summary: Ichigo is asked by the Soul Society to teach a class to the different squad members on how to act like a human in the living world, like on how to dress, how to act around other humans, how to get items, how to put the straw in your juice box, important stuff like that.

Toshiro Hitsugaya was pretty pissed off for many reasons, first, he had been forced to sit in on a class on how to act in the living world, which in his opinion was a complete waste of time and effort, second, he was forced again to help Ichigo and Renji out with teaching Byakuya how to go out on a date, third, he had to go out on that very date to help give Byakuya some pointers, fourth, Mastumoto was late...**AGAIN**...and finally, after all of this and that he finally had a day off, once Matsumoto had finally shown up, she told him that both of them had to go to the world of the living for a private class session with Ichigo, but when he got to Ichigo's house and went into his room through the window, he saw Ichigo laying there asleep in his bed, which confused him until all of a sudden, his arms were binded with an energy rope

"Bakudo 4" Matsumoto said, "Hainawa"

"Matsumoto!" Hitsugaya growled, as he attempted to break the Kido, "What is the meaning of this?"

"This is my personal class for you, on how to confess your feelings to Momo" Matsumoto said

"What on earth are you talking about?" Hitsugaya asked, "Momo and I are friends, nothing more"

"You lie, Captain" Matsumoto said, "I know for a fact that you care about Momo and she cares about you alot as well"

"So what?" Hitsugaya said, still trying to break the kido, "We're childhood friends!"

"I know that and you want to be more" Matsumoto said, smirking, "You know that and I am going to help you"

"That's nice and all that you want to do that for him" A voice said, as both of them looked behind them and saw Ichigo starting to sit up, "but WHY THE HELL ARE YOU DOING THIS IN MY ROOM!!!"

"Ichigo!!" Another voice shouted, as his closet door opened and Rukia poked her head out of the closet, "Why are you shouti-, Why are you guys here? Is something wrong?"

"Rangiku is trying to get Toshiro to confess his feelings for Momo" Ichigo said

"Well, why are they using your room?" Rukia asked

"That's what I'd like to know" Ichigo said

"because I want you two to help me out" Matsumoto said

"I'll help!" a third voice said, as Kisuke Urahara popped out from under Ichigo's bed

"GAH!!!" Ichigo said, "Why are you under my freaking bed?"

"wouldn't you like to know?" Kisuke Urahara said

"WHY THE HELL CAN'T I BREAK THIS KIDO!!" Hitsugaya shouted

"I had the soul society place a very high restraint on your spiritual pressure" Matsumoto said, "You're so weak right now, you couldn't even break out of the Sho spell"

"MATSUMOTO!!!" Hitsugaya shouted, "....fine, if I do this, will you let me go?"

_**Karakura Town Park**_

"Why the hell am I here?" Renji Abari complained

"If I have to go through this, so do you" Ichigo said

"Then why am I here?" Byakuya asked

"You know all the good pick-up lines" Ichigo said, "Rukia and Matsumoto are going to work on getting Momo to agree to the date"

"This is pointless, I'm leaving" Hitsugaya said

"Kisuke, use it" Ichigo said

"What are you tal-GAH!!" Hitsugaya asked, but couldn't finish as Urahara used a Taser on Hitsugaya, "What the hell was that for?"

"If you try to leave, I'm going to use this taser on you" Kisuke said, "Now, shall we begin?"

"Byakuya, tell Hitsugaya a few of the lines you used on those models at Uryu's fashion show" Ichigo said

"Nice shoes, Wanna Fuck?" Byakuya said, as everyone suddenly stared at him with shocked looks on their faces

"Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y" Renji said, unable to finish what he was going to say

"It didn't work" Byakuya said

"OF COURSE IT DIDN'T WORK!!!" Ichigo shouted

"She only would do that after a meal" Byakuya said, "So we went out for a bite to eat"

"....no way....damn, I gotta go out clubbing with you sometime, Captain" Renji said

"That's it!!" Ichigo said, "we'll get your training done at a club"

"I know where one is" Urahara said, "Follow me"

_**Karakura Town, Midnight Rainbow, later that night**_

Everyone entered the club doors and began to walk in towards the bar, but Ichigo suddenly started to get a bad feeling when he noticed that there were alot of guys in this club and couldn't really see any women around the place, but since the place was packed, he figured that it was just too crowded to see any of the women. Ichigo and the others went up to the bar and saw that the bartender was a women, whom looked at them weirdly a bit, before walking over towards them.

"A group of new faces" the women said, "Welcome to Midnight Rainbow, I'm Tanya, nice to meet you"

"Nice place you got here" Renji said, "Never been to a club before, though"

"Really? You guys look like the clubbing type" Tanya said, "tell ya what, Tonight, drinks are on me to celebrate you first clubbing night, have fun!"

Everyone began to go around and have a good time, dancing and talking so much that they lost track of time and all of a sudden, Ichigo felt his phone vibrating and checked it to see that it was Keigo calling him, to which Ichigo stepped into a hallway and answered his phone.

"Ichigo!, It's Keigo" Keigo said, "Rukia and some other girls are looking for you, where are you?"

"At a club" Ichigo said, "we're helping to get two people together"

"If that's the case, then why not help me find a date?" Keigo asked, "Tell me where you guys are so I can meet you there"

"We're at this nightclub that just opened" Ichigo said, "Midnight Rainbow, I believe"

"....Did you just say Midnight Rainbow?" Keigo asked, "HOW DARE YOU MESS WITH SWEET RUKIA'S FEELINGS!!"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Ichigo asked, "I'm not looking for someone, I'm helping out a friend"

".....you have a gay friend?" Keigo asked

"No, why?" Ichigo asked

"....dude, you don't know?" Keigo said, "Midnight Rainbow is a club for gays"

"......" Ichigo hung up the phone and immediately made a beeline for the door, but before he could reach it, he was intercepted by Kisuke, "Move, Urahara!"

"where do you think you're going?" Kisuke asked, "I thought you were helping out Hitsugaya"

"This place won't help him" Ichigo said, "It'll do the exact opposite"

"How so?" Kisuke asked

"This is a gay bar" Ichigo said

"....I'm gone" Kisuke said

"Wait just a minute, you brought us here so you have to help get us out" Ichigo said

"Things have changed, it's every ass for themselves now" Kisuke said, as he bolted out the door of the club

"Where is he going?" a voice asked, as Ichigo turned to see Byakuya standing there, "This place is weird"

"It's a gay bar" Ichigo said

"What is a gay bar?" Byakuya asked

"it's a bar....that has only guys in it...and these guys..." Ichigo said, trying to explain, "...well, they tend to want to have sex with other guys...."

"...I see" Byakuya said, "Pardon me, but I must be getting the fuck on out of here"

Ichigo sighed and looked out to see Hitsugaya coming towards him with a deep scowl on his face, as he didn't even stop and walked out the door, so Ichigo followed him out the door as well and the two of them walked away from Midnight Rainbow and met up with Kisuke and Byakuya, whom were waiting across the street for them.

"well...that was a mistake to go there" Kisuke said, "...Where's Renji?"

"He was invited back to the VIP room" Hitsugaya said

"I wonder if he'll get the 'special' treatment" Kisuke said, "hope they use a lot of lube"

"Think he'll be pissed tomorrow?" Ichigo asked

"most likely" Kisuke said

"I'll excuse him from class tomorrow" Ichigo said

"Urahara?" Hitsugaya said, "Why would they need alot of lube?"

"well, rectal penetration is a very difficul-" Kisuke began, but was suddenly silenced by Ichigo's foot colliding with the side of his face

"We don't need a visual description, let's just say that his ass will be sore and mad tomorrow" Ichigo said, "that's all you need t-"

"They are going to anally rape him" Byakuya said, "That's why they'd need alot of lubrication"

"ah, I see" Hitsugaya said, as he began to walk away, "Let's just go and leave Renji to his fun"

_**Three Days Later**_

".....and Renji will still not be returning to class, as he has not returned from his mission" Ichigo said, as he read the announcement to everyone in the class

"well, have you sent anyone in there to find him" Rukia asked

"We've tried to get people to go to retrieve him..." Ichigo asked, as every guy in the room started shuddering, "...but that place is an evil place and no one is willing to enter it a second time"


End file.
